I was innocently browsing the grocery store’s frozen food section when two ice cream flavors began to aggressively compete for my attention: Dreyer’s Cookie Dough and Mint Cookie Crunch. Here is a transcript of the fierce debate:
* * *
Cookie Dough: Let me just start by saying that I’m made with mini NESTLÉ® TOLLHOUSE® morsels ©™©©©™™® whereas my competiton is filled with ripoff “sandwich cookies.”
Mint Cookie Crunch: That’s just advertising. Your “morsels” have as much in common with Tollhouse® cookies as they do with Doritos Locos® Tacos.
CD: But even if we go by quality of cookie chunk, I’m better off than you. You can actually nibble on my cookie pieces, that’s how large they are.
MCC: Bigger isn’t always better. I have only 120 calories per serving. That’s 30 less than you, gut-inducer.
CD: We’re ice cream. Calories are irrelevant. We’re what people eat after they binge on half a bag of potato chips and the last of the Valentine’s Day candy. We have twelve freaking servings in our containers. Do the math.
MCC: Okay, forget that. The low-fat ice creams can duke that one out.
CD: Stupid low-fat ice creams.
MCC: It’s flavor that matters. Speaking of which, I have an actual flavor. I don’t really need these cookie bits to taste special. They just compliment my naturally scrumptious mintiness. But you… Without your cookie pieces, what are you?
MCC: You’re vanilla. That’s a fate worse than strawberry.
CD: I have more than just the cookie chunks! I also have these little chocolate chips mixed in!
MCC: You mean those frozen tasteless triangles that make you feel like you’ve swallowed a fistful of pebbles with your ice cream?
CD: They actually crunch. Unlike the soggy squishy cookies smushed into your sad self.
MCC: I am a mastery of texture, a chewy delight!
CD: You’re soggy ripoff cookies disguised by minty cologne.
MCC: Wannabe vanilla poser!
CD: Low-fat ice cream!
MCC: Now that’s just mean.
Me: Hey guys, you do realize that it’s buy-one-get-one-free on Dreyer’s today, right?
CD & MCC: …Hurray!
MCC: I forgot why I was mad at you.
CD: I’m sorry I called you soggy. Let’s move in together. I know a college kid’s apartment freezer with our name on it…
MCC: Yes, let’s be friends! Until one of us gets eaten! Hurray!
Me: Glad that’s settled. [takes both ice creams]
CD: …Bet I get used up first.