Ice Cream Showdown

I was innocently browsing the grocery store’s frozen food section when two ice cream flavors began to aggressively compete for my attention: Dreyer’s Cookie Dough and Mint Cookie Crunch.  Here is a transcript of the fierce debate:

*   *   *

Cookie Dough: Let me just start by saying that I’m made with mini NESTLÉ® TOLLHOUSE® morsels ©©©©™® whereas my competiton is filled with ripoff “sandwich cookies.”

Mint Cookie Crunch: That’s just advertising.  Your “morsels” have as much in common with Tollhouse® cookies as they do with Doritos Locos® Tacos.

CD: But even if we go by quality of cookie chunk, I’m better off than you.  You can actually nibble on my cookie pieces, that’s how large they are.

MCC: Bigger isn’t always better. I have only 120 calories per serving.  That’s 30 less than you, gut-inducer.

CD: We’re ice cream.  Calories are irrelevant.  We’re what people eat after they binge on half a bag of potato chips and the last of the Valentine’s Day candy.  We have twelve freaking servings in our containers. Do the math.

MCC: Okay, forget that.  The low-fat ice creams can duke that one out.

CD: Stupid low-fat ice creams.

MCC: It’s flavor that matters.  Speaking of which, I have an actual flavor.  I don’t really need these cookie bits to taste special.  They just compliment my naturally scrumptious mintiness. But you… Without your cookie pieces, what are you?

CD: Delicious?

MCC: You’re vanilla.  That’s a fate worse than strawberry.

CD: I have more than just the cookie chunks!  I also have these little chocolate chips mixed in!

MCC: You mean those frozen tasteless triangles that make you feel like you’ve swallowed a fistful of pebbles with your ice cream?

CD: They actually crunch.  Unlike the soggy squishy cookies smushed into your sad self.

MCC: I am a mastery of texture, a chewy delight!

CD: You’re soggy ripoff cookies disguised by minty cologne.

MCC: Wannabe vanilla poser!

CD: Low-fat ice cream!

MCC: Now that’s just mean.

Me: Hey guys, you do realize that it’s buy-one-get-one-free on Dreyer’s today, right?

CD & MCC: …Hurray!

MCC: I forgot why I was mad at you.

CD: I’m sorry I called you soggy.  Let’s move in together.  I know a college kid’s apartment freezer with our name on it…

MCC: Yes, let’s be friends!  Until one of us gets eaten!  Hurray!

Me: Glad that’s settled. [takes both ice creams]

CD: …Bet I get used up first.


2 thoughts on “Ice Cream Showdown

  1. Let it be known I tried to ‘like’ this post. Unfortunately, I do not have a WordPress account, so I failed. But now you know I liked it.

    Also let it be known that I like strawberry ice cream. But only the kind that actually tastes like strawberry. Not the fake the kind. That’s almost as bad as synthetic grape and synthetic watermelon.

  2. Your desire to like has been duly noted by myself, if not by WordPress. ;)

    Agree with you about the strawberry. It was the fake stuff that I was thinking of – the sickly sweet goop that bears no relationship to the actual fruit. Yick.

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